dying... one day at a time

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:12:42 GMT

so close. so very very close. :|

geocities (the free web hosting company bought by yahoo more than 8 years ago) has finally closed. they have been sending me notifications for the past two months about it and the deadline was oct 26.

and of course, as expected, i only remembered to do it today - oct 27.

they didn't provide a tool or a way to download everything at once so i had to manually right-click and do "save as..." to my desktop. i was happily chugging along saving each of my more than 200 files. i knew they wouldn't really close down the site on oct 26 and i wasn't really rushing. i mean, how could they? geocities hosted gigabytes of homepages made by people. even before it became a yahoo company, geocities already had a community (actually, i think geocities started to decline in popularity when it was sold to yahoo).

anyway, i was about 15 files away from saving everything when the website just literally stopped working. i forgot that yahoo was foremostly and american company and americans do things on time.

thankfully, the only things i were not able to save were a few pictures of a class field trip during first year college which i ddn't attend in the first place, a second-year high school class picture, and a very outdated resume.

i realized that so many things could have gone wrong today - if i had woken up only 15 minutes later, if i had procrastinated yet again or totally forgotten about the whole thing altogether, if i had gone down and looked for something to eat before sitting down in front of the computer - but i didn't.

when i woke up at 1pm today, i was immediately bored so i opened my desktop, saw the date and said to myself, "hmm... geocities closed yesterday. i wonder if i can still get my files."

if i had not done that, i would have lost the only copies of pictures and stuff that i have written prior to 2002.

sorry this is a boring story. i'm just glad i got to save things i didn't really realize was that important until i almost very nearly lost it :)

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:43:56 GMT

7:30pm / Oct 15, 2009

minsan natatawa/namamangha ako sa agwat ng realities ng buhay that i encounter on a daily basis. pag gising ko sa umaga, madaliang ligo at preparasyon para sa trabaho, kasabay ko ang daan daang taong nagmamadali papunta sa makati. mga office girls, executives, naka jeans, naka sando, naka stockings, naka polo barong... mga messenger, mga call center people, mga trabahador sa construction, mga yuppies at mga oldies (sorry, wala akong kasabay na executive kasi nagji jeep lang ako).

tulad na lang ngayong araw - one of the many other insignificant days of working life - day two ng ITIL training namin. para sa mga hindi nakaka-alam kung ano ang ITIL, i'll explain it in the most simplistic, albeit crude way possible - ITIL is a set of guidelines for the IT and services sector on how said IT and services industries can make more money for the businesses/clients that they support. yun lang talaga ang bottom line. kesyo kung anu ano pang terms at concepts ang minudmod nila sa mga pagmumukha namin today hanggang nag nosebleed ako sa information overload - mga service management, capacity management, change advisories, process ganito, function ganyan, eklat eklat - na hindi mo naman magagamit sa langit (or sa impyerno) pag patay ka na - ang driving mechanism lang naman ng lahat ng ito is just one simple thing - making more money.

so eto yung mga bagay na pinagmumuni-munihan (may ganun?!) nung nasa jeep ako pauwi hanggang sa umabot ako sa street kung nasaan ang bahay namin.

pag abot ko sa gate, may dalawang bata who couldn't have been more than 7 years old na nasa labas, knocking softly on our gate. usually pag dinner time, lahat ng tao sa bahay namin ay nasa second floor or nasa third floor dahil either a) nanonood ng tv, b) naglalaro ng computer or c) nag-e-exercise (pero yung tatay ko lang yun, hindi ako). in short, i wouldn't have any idea how long these two kids have been knocking on our gate since apparently walang nakakarinig sa kanila.

meron akong sariling susi so pag bukas ko ng gate namin nilapitan ako ng dalawang bata at sabi nung isa, "kuya, may ipapatapon ba kayo?"

syempre naman, i had utterly no idea what he was talking about. i'm one of those people na if there's something that does not interest or concern me directly, hindi ko na inuusisa or pinapakialaman. sayang sa brain cells eh. so hindi ko talaga maintindihan yung tanong nya. ipapatapon na ano? bagay? basura? tao? (oh yes, baka nga naman mga ahente sila ng isang recruitment agency at pwede kong ipatapon ang sarili ko sa ireland... sushalan! or worse, part pala sila ng isang assassination/guns for hire na gang at kaya nilang magpatapon ng tao sa kung saan mang remote kangkungan - at part talaga yan ng thought process ko while i was trying to decipher what in the world this kid meant).

tamang-tama bumaba yung mom ko dahil narinig pala nyang binuksan ko yung gate. dumiretso nako papasok sa loob ng bahay at yung mom ko yung nakipagusap dun sa mga kids.

after a few minutes, nung pumasok na ulit yung mom ko, tinanong ko what the kids wanted. yun pala, nagtatanong sila kung may mga bagay bang pwede nilang itapon - for a small unspecified fee na bahala na yung mom ko yung mag decide kung magkano ang gusto nya ibayad sa mga batang yon.

---

suddenly, i remembered something that happened several days ago that had been bothering me. the night before typhoon ondoy came crashing down and flooded the greater part of manila, i was on the way home from work just like any other day. there was a light drizzle that night that, even though i didn't know yet, would herald the calamity that would eventually radically alter the lives of so many people.

as i entered our subdivision, i saw two little kids. isang bata siguro was 6 years old and the other one was much younger... mga 4 or 5. the older kid was carrying/dragging two enormous sacks of what looked like wood blocks and stones that i am pretty sure weighed more than he did. he was shouting "dalian mo, ang bigat bigat!" to his younger partner who was limping almost 10 meters behind him. the younger kid was carrying a large and dirty plastic bag of i dont know what on one hand, and attempting to hold about 5 large pieces of wood with nails sticking out of it at the same time on the other arm.

halos hindi na nya mabuhat yung kahoy kasi there were just so many nails sticking out of it that he had to literally grip the nails with his little hands just so it wouldn't slip from his grasp. at hindi ito simpleng kahoy... mukha syang mabigat talaga na even a grown-up would have a difficult time carrying it.

sabi ko sa sarili ko, putangina naman mga magulang nito. kahit sabihin na nating squatter sila at naghihirap na sila sa buhay at wala silang makain, ipapagawa mo talaga yan sa isang bata who couldn't even possibly be past kindergarten age? aside from the fact na ang bigat bigat na ng kahoy, there were freaking nail ends sticking out of it that it was not possible to carry it without injuring yourself. OA!

pero syempre, inignore ko lang. eh ano naman ang magagawa ko. hindi ko naman sila pwedeng tulungan. umuulan kaya at ayaw ko magbuhat ng kahoy na may sandaang pako sticking out of it. hellooo... wa poise - naka long sleeves pa man din ako.

pag abot ko sa gate ng bahay namin, there were two other kids. isang batang babae who was around 8 and a younger kid (i can't remember anymore kung lalaki sya or babae). these two kids were knocking at the door but no one could hear them, at tamang tama na dumating ako. as i was opening the gate, lumapit sakin yung batang babae tapos sabi nya "kuya, may...?"

hindi ko na inintindi kung ano pa yung kasunod na sasabihin nya sana kasi stress ako sa trabaho - gusto ko lang makauwi, magpahinga, maglaro ng computer, mag check ng e-mail at facebook at matulog - so tiningnan ko sya ng masama at sabi ko "WALA!" (well hindi ko naman sinigawan pero as in super sungit mode).

you see, one of the things that people may already know about me that they don't think i know (but i actually do) is the fact that sobrang masungit at snabero ako. ang hindi nila alam is that it only applies sa mga taong a) hindi ko kilala, b) hindi cute (at minsan kahit cute wala akong pakialam), c) walang silbi sa buhay ko. i know it's a really really bad attitude of mine but it's my way of dealing with people. i am not trying to justfy my actions. masama talaga ang ugali ko in that sense, but it's a very very very tremendous effort for me to perform even the most basic act of communicating with people, and i just don't like doing it. unlike most other people wherein socializing is something that's natural to them, it is a painstaking, messy, and ugly process for me, so the way i cope with it is that nagmamasungit at nagpapaka snob na lang ako para hindi na ako kausapin ng mga taong hindi naman significant sa buhay ko para wala ng gulo. tahimik ang buhay. tapos.

in short, kung hindi ka significant sakin, wala akong pakialam sayo. malunod ka pa dyan, umiyak ka man ng dugo, whatever. it's mean, i know, but that's the most efficient method i have come up with to avoid the unnecessary stress of having to deal with people who will not be part of my life anyways.

there have been so very many instances when someone has tried to gain my sympathy. maybe it's a result of living in a third world country where you see extreme poverty on a day to day basis that has numbed me to these images and events. maybe it's the fact that there are times when i, myself, see me as the same victim of this same circumstance rather than a benefactor who is empowered to help others. pag nakakakita ako ng taong naghihirap sa buhay, ang unang thought na pumapasok sa utak ko, "naghihirap ka 'teh? pareho lang tayo. ibang levels nga lang pero it's all the same thing."

and so, i have always thought myself immune from these pleas for sympathy. i am the very last person you would want to place in a charity organization because frankly, i don't care about the poor, the sick or the aging or whatever - hindi ko naman sila ka anu-ano pake ko.

you see, i had to digress to discussing why i act the way i do because at the very moment i said "WALA!" to the little girl on that night before ondoy, i immediately regretted the words the flew out of my mouth. there was just something really wrong that happened and i immediately felt it.

i felt guilty. and really bad. and confused. and bothered. this girl could've been standing for so many minutes under the rain outside our house waiting for someone to hear her knocking and here i come and all i can muster is a very haughty and derisive "WALA!" when i had no idea what she wanted in the first place and i just assumed, based on her tattered and very soaked clothes, that she and her kid companion were begging.

it was an annoying feeling. i knew at once that there was something very very wrong with the way i acted to the point that i started questioning my own humanity. why am i like this? am i so apathetic, so indifferent, that i would literally snap at a girl who probably not even have a twentieth of the comforts i enjoy and take for granted everyday when all she probably wanted was 30 seconds of my goddamn freakin time and at the very least, a kind word considering she was soaking wet to the bones and had been standing outside my house for god knows how long?

when i got to my room that night, i was so messed up, i wanted to write it all down, but i couldn't. i just couldn't process it.

ondoy came and went, and i gradually forgot about the whole incident.

until it happened again tonight.

---

you can just imagine the scope and breadth of the transition my mind had to jump to. one hour ago, i was sitting in a comfortable chair in an airconditioned room in the 9th floor of a building that was so far removed from this reality. one hour ago, my reality was learning about ways we can help our clients to make more money, ways to help clients conserve money, ways to make everything efficient and productive and yes, make more money. there were a bazillion charts and diagrams and flowcharts and flash presentations, powerpoint presentations - the works, all single-mindedly focused in making already extremely rich people guess what? - make more money.

and then i come home to this... two kids in front of our gate who had barely passed toddlerhood going from door to door asking if there were trash that they could dispose of for a small donation for their services.

alam mo, hindi na awa yung naramdaman ko eh. sympathy is useless. lagpas na. bordering on galit. it has come to the point when sympathy has become irrelevant and you have to look further. maaawa ka today, bibigyan mo ng konting tulong, but every single fucking day of the rest of your life, you know that there will be a million other kids all over the world who will be in worse situations.

you have to begin to ask, what the fuck is this kind of society we live in that would tolerate or allow something like this to happen and to continue happening? there is something very very wrong with society. there is something very very wrong with our mindsets, our norms, our values, our dreams, our goals in life - everything.

let me just break it down. we have to work so we can provide for ourselves, as well as providing a means to achieving some personal dream or goal. to be able to go to work, we ride cars, buses and jeeps that pump so much waste into the air and consume non-renewable energy resources. to sustain our energy while working, we eat food that are wrapped in paper that come from trees resulting in our forests gradually becoming barren, or in styrofoam and plastic that are not biodegradable and will remain waste material for the next so many centuries and clog our rivers and pollute our oceans and destroys marine ecosystems. while at work, we expend electricity which also comes from a non-renewable resource, we become consumers of electronics and hardware and software that were all produced through processes that are not naturally sustainable. because we are so good at our job, we help the client or our company sell more stuff to more people, so that they can, in turn, consume and throw waste. there will be more cars polluting the air, more food being consumed and packaging being discarded, more electronics consuming non-renewable resources, more plastics being routed to waste disposal, more land being converted to land fills, and at the same time, we help increase the gap between the extremely rich as they get even more richer due to your efforts (thanks in part to capitalism), and the poor who are, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential since they have no or very little purchasing power.

in short, doing a better job these days means that you're just helping society become worse. the better your are at your job, the more you are hurting this planet's future. you are an agent in a plan for world destruction, a gear in the engine of doom, whether you like it or not. parang OA pakinggan dba, pero if you really think about it, that is what i am doing, and that is what everyone else is doing. unless you're in some NGO that can see this problem and is genuinely taking active measures to stop it, then the very act of existing in this society makes you an accomplice to it's eventual end. it's a simple observation from nature - every system that is unsustainable will eventually run out of resources, and terminate.

so yes, unless something radical happens soon that will turn around this system, we are doomed. saya!

---

charity has become the band-aid for people, a way of just saying "o eto, magdo donate ako, or tutulong ako sa ondoy or whatever whatever bahay na walang hagdan, relief efforts, bantay bata, etc etc charity ka-eklatan" para tapos na. charity functions on sympathy. it's a business that hinges on your humanity and compassion. you give something of yourself, and you get peace of mind in return, and that wonderful fulfilling feeling of having done something significant to help a fellow human being.

but does it really solve the bigger issue? are there less people becoming poor because of your charity? has the world truly become a better place, not only socially, but physically (in terms of natural resources and sustainability) because of your efforts? NO. charity is a short term solution to a much much bigger, more overwhelming problem. even if people's charitable efforts help (and it really does), it does not provide a solution. we are all on a sinking ship filled with holes and whenever we try to patch one hole through our charitable efforts, water bursts through two other holes because the system is wrong in the first place.

---

tinanong ko yung mom ko, "magkano babayad mo sa kanila?" sabi nya, twenty pesos. in my head, it was a fair price for unskilled work that involved just transporting objects from one location to another. okay na siguro yun, isip ko

but i was about to go up the stairs to my room, hindi ako mapakali. twenty pesos? inisip ko, siguro kung isa ako sa mga batang yon at wala pa akong kinakain buong araw at ginawa ko tong isang bagay na to na magbuhat ng basura para sa bente pesos na paghahatian namin ng kasama ko, pwede ko na ipang pancit canton yun. okay na. solb na. on the other hand, however, naisip ko din, ang mga batang to dapat nasa school, hindi namamasura. dapat nag-aaral para balang araw they will have enough knowledge to be able to earn much much more than just twenty pesos. just the very fact na ganitong age pa lang eh nagsisikap na sila to earn a living, kahit na worth twenty pesos lang yung effort, never mo matutumbusan yung loss of opportunity cost na yung oras na yun ginamit na lang sana nila to learn something that can help them earn more in the future.

at least yan ang justification ko sa sarili ko when i handed my mom a hundred peso bill (the last hundred i had in my wallet) at sabi ko "bigay mo na lang dun sa mga bata, nakaka awa."

kasi alam mo na, ayaw kong maawa. ayaw ko talaga. walang kwenta yung isang daan na yun. makakatulong man, it would last until tomorrow, at the most. tapos after non ano, mamamasura na naman sila.

sympathy is irrelevant. what we need is change.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:12:35 GMT

My dearest Tallas:

It's a warm night here where I am, and the streets are quiet. Supper has just ended. I am alone, sitting on the roof of the house I live in, looking at the stars, listening to a classical piano piece being played on one of their devices. They call it music. It is wonderful, and brilliant, and a million other things I you would have loved to experience.

A storm has just passed, and it has left a clear sky in it's wake. I wish you were here to look up at the stars with me, to share this music with you, and hold your hand, and dream of distant places, like we used to.

I wish I could have written to tell you what an amazing place this is, so different from home, yet so similar in many ways. I write tonight, however, to tell you how homesick I am. You have no idea how eager I am for the day to come when I can return, to feel your presence around me again, your smell, your touch, your smile. I miss your warmth when I wake in the morning, and the look you give me when I'm about to fall asleep at night. I often look at the sky and wonder if there's one of us out there, and even though I'm fairly sure there isn't, I still hope that it will be you, come from halfway across the galaxy to find and bring me back.

I am very, very far away. They will not have told you where they have sent me, but suffice to say that I am safe, and in the most minimal sense, I am cared for. Do not worry for me, for I am with good people, and I have made some friends here. I know, you are probably chuckling with disbelief, but it's true. Time has passed, and I fear that I may have changed, if for better or worse, that will be up to you to decide when we see each other again. I do hope you will some day forgive me for what I have done.

Tallas, I can't tell you how much every day, I wake up and the memory of your face is the only source of my strength. This was something I thought I was prepared for, but I had realized too late, and I regret my decision to leave you. Every day is the same monotony, the same drudgery of blending in, pretending to be like them, a single grain of sand in an infinite shore when I am neither earth, nor glass. The Council was wrong. We can never be one of them. I can never be one of them.

I am tired, so tired. I do not know how much more data the Council requires. I keep requesting to be relieved, to send someone else in my place to continue my work, but for some reason they have chosen to keep me here.

All I have are these words, and a promise that someday, I will find myself a way to get off this planet, and return home to you. Until then, please keep the gates open for me.

I may be a hundred thousand light years away, but that will not stop me. They have a saying here - home is where the heart is.

I will come home. I promise.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 11:19:17 GMT

"i can never imagine my life without you."

these were the words that you uttered on the last day. i had long been cast out of your heart, even though you still ruled mine. yet, in this rarest of moments you cried, and i - in my naivete - so desperate to believe that it had meant something, clung to those words - that even in the waning dusk of the most glorious days of my life, it mattered. i mattered.

apparently not.

how quickly you forget. that now the earth where we both stand on should seem to revolve in opposite directions, that now the light of day that blinded my eyes to your flaws is not the same light you forever run away from, that now we should see different stars in the same sky, different constellations, different divinations, and ultimately, different destinies, when once we had dreamed of travelling the path together.

it was always i who have reached out across the vast awkwardness of this precarious pseudo-friendship we had forged. i had done so, because even if i don't love you anymore in the way you were used to, i still love you. fiercely. protectively, even if only in the silence of my thoughts.

and still, when the storm had passed and i found myself existing in the numbing serenity of the aftermath, i had thought that these eight words which had meant more to me than anything else in the litany of saccharine whispers you filled my head with was true.

i could not have been more wrong.

i have grown weary of waiting for you to take the initiative. for you to prove to me that you meant the words that you said. i have said enough farewells. i, the most selfish person i know, have given you my all. this will be the last.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 17:30:16 GMT

for a trillionth of a trillionth of a second, the world was silent. it was the most improbable, most astounding event that no one ever noticed. it happened in between the beeping of cellphones and the honking of cars in new york. it was created, almost impossibly, in the midst of the falling rain as each drop hit the ground in kyoto. in zurich, it was a pause in the duet between a man, and the married woman he had secretly fallen in love with, and in africa, a moment of perfect tenderness amidst the sighing breath of a lion cub nestled in the paws of her mother. a trillionth of a trillionth of a second, created by pure chance, a moment of respite in the ensuing chaos. a moment, when the world held it's breath, before it forgot.

it was only then that the irony was revealed, when the most significant moment of my life, was the instant of my death.

the trillionth of a trillionth of a second passed, and the world moved on without skipping a beat.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:29:30 GMT

Loading...

Resource loaded.

TARAESIAN COMMAND INTELLIGENCE - 023A SECTOR

RESOURCE: Taraesian 7 Central Command - Communications Log 709259.345.38A
CROSS-REFERENCE INDEX: Ancient Races, Atlans, Erethrion, Intercepted, Origin, Sanctuary, Spaeralun, Spark
CLEARANCE REQUIRED: A2 - Classified Top Level 2

INVESTIGATING OFFICER: [Insufficient clearance. Please access this resource using A1.5 clearance for further data.]

BACKGROUND:
Message intercepted at Coran IV Comms Outpost (COMID: CORCOM) on date 709259.345 on low frequency band transmission channel. Initially mistaken for background galactic noise. Routed to Comms AutoADAP Filt / reconstructed and analyzed transmission as non-noise and alerted Comms Personnel on site. First personnel on site: [Insufficient clearance. Please access this resource using A1.5 clearance for further data.] Message escalated directly to Central Command 7.

MESSAGE FOLLOWS:

-- BEGIN TRANSMISSION --

I.

When fallen from the Expanse we were, like bright lights sinking into the dark abyss, landed here on the distant shores of this unknown Cluster. Our vessels though mighty and fierce, trembled and sighed they did, the glow of inner fire burning waned. Stranded, fathom in our pride we could not, and spent gazing above in seemingly countless cycles the breaking of night into light, and the determination of night to extinguish the light.

Masters, we were, but no more in this strange land. Untamed, chaotic, it was, and though imposed Order we wanted we could not, for ignited in cracks of dirt the Spark, but driven by logic nor consciousness it was not, rather by instict so basic to survive, to exist simply. Dared interfere we did not.

Separated from this all we observed, tethered to the confines of our vessels dying. Centuries. Millenia. Waiting for others who heard the Call they might have. Come, however, they not, and finally died did the last flame, descended slowly our vessels, and for them we wept, for they were our Friends, that carried our Spark within theirs.

Something wondrous happened, however. Our tears kissed the land, and blossomed from it Hope that lost we had thought. The Builders opened their eyes, and saw around us structures majestic, arches that raised hands in reverence to the infinite seas above, and bowed to the gentle song of the breeze below. Thoughts joined, trembled the ground and protested, but the will of the Builders were greater, and the need of us remaining prevalent. Shaping the manifolds of that mystery which existed between desire and resolution, brought forth a city thriving as only the Builders can.

And gazed upon it did we. And it was beautiful. And it was good. And above all, it was Sanctuary.

Time did pass, it did.

II.

Gone then too many cycles, and dying we had become, the nourishing Erethrion flux of our Primary Sanctuary was not found in this region. When withered and fell did the first of us, we sought within ourselves an answer. Long had our vessels to the ambient Erethrion returned, and slowly did we, dispersing into the Erethrion that existed in everything, and existed where there was nothing. Return to the Primary Sanctuary we could not.

The chaotic world where we had landed had now grown quieter, and fluorished new Sparks were that gradually developed awareness. Poked they did at the outer rim of our city, curious beasts of matter and Erethrion untamed. Savage, and yet potential did the Elders see in them.

So it was, in the five hundred seventy eighth cycle of the Son of Shiraan by our remaining count, gathered the remaining of us did in the Circle of Discernment. Deliberate all we for many cycles, until the final Decision that by the ancient rite of the Splitting they fathomed, immortal we would be if our Kah'alah seeded the growing Sparks of this young world.

One by one stood in line they did, releasing their Kah'alah and merging with the Sparks that peered at our strange fellowship from the distance. Last was I, the youngest, but splitting my Kah'alah I was forbidden, as the Elders had elected me the honor of Last Scribe.

Watched I did alone over this foundling sphere, cycles too many far gone that the count I had kept was weary. Saw I did, however, the wisdom of our Elders, for the Kah'alah of my companions sacrificed, over the millenia stabilized the Erethrion in the Sparks that covered more and more of this land.

III.

This is the last day I am going to see the star they had come to call as their Sun. It is burning bright, and hot, and will provide ambient Erethrion for many more cycles than they could possibly imagine. They live and die so quickly, their Sparks snuffed out before it even becomes Flame. I both envy and pity their brief existence. They do not live long enough to see the birth and death of stars, to traverse the expanse of space so great, or to acquire enough personal knowledge that would render their entire collective effort irrelevant. This inherent weakness, however, has given way to something the Elders would have been proud of - a constant desire for progress, a will to alter themselves and their surroundings as they see fit, and most importantly, a sense of themselves and their place in the Expanse, however misunderstood about it they are.

Needless to say, this talk about existence is merely a prelude to the fact that I am dying. The ambient Erethrion of their little star is not enough to sustain me any longer. I sit here in a place they call a cafe, a gathering area where they drink this awful tasting concoction they fondly call coffee, a liquid so vulgar it puts the bloodwarg essences of Kinethra 6ra to shame. This cafe is situated beside what they call a street, a place where molded inorganic metal alloys they call automobiles travel over to bring them to different places.

I have decided to spend my few remaining hours here, watching the Sparks of these beasts that had once clawed at the gates of our Sanctuary pass by. They have learned to build dwellings and bridges, and structures that soar across the sky, though I have to admit, it still lacks the elegance of those made by our Builders.

As for the Kah'alah, it is lying dormant within them. They are mostly unaware of it, though some of them have gained a peripheral understanding. They call it the Soul, sometimes the Spirit. It will be many more cycles though before they will gain full awareness of the gift we have imparted to them.

I am hoping that their sun will not have ran out of Erethrion when the time comes when they would have reached a stage in their evolution and learn to harness it, to call on it, and to use it. When that time comes, I hope you will accept them with open arms, and show them the wonders of the Expanse.

I am ready to return to the Erethrion, and it is not without some irony that I finally mastered the crude syntax of their language right before my demise. I apologize if the carrier wave signature of this message is rudimentary. I had to make do with what was available.

It is with the last remains of hope that this message finds another of my kind, so that they will know what have become of us who were lost in the Spaeralun border.

- Kadreon Unaris, Last Scribe of the Atlan'Tidas Convoy

-- END TRANSMISSION --

INITIAL INVESTIGATION:
Transmission date is estimated to be more than 700,000 Khinaar revolutions ago. Message tagged as A2 Top Level Classified due to the fact that transmission is coded in a very archaic form of Taraesian language.

Not much is known of the ancient race called the Atlans. Cross query search reveals extremely scant information about this extinct race of explorers and philosophers. This is the first concrete evidence that members of the Atlan race already had the technology to travel thousands of light revs even before Taraesians evolved sentience. Transmission also reveals Atlans to have evolved a state of being that is pure energy which is referenced in this transmission as the Kah'alah.

As of this writing, Taraesian Central Command 7 has licensed an expedition into the region of space designated as MW-7EH which is believed to be what is referenced as the Spaeralun Border in the message. All considerations aside, this may be the first piece of information that will point our race back to our world of origin.

INVESTIGATION PROPER:
[Insufficient clearance. Please access this resource using A1 clearance for further data.]

CONCLUSION:
[Insufficient clearance. Please access this resource using A1 clearance for further data.]

End Resource.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 06:00:49 GMT

oh thank god the worgen racials semi suck. except probably for viciousness (hello there +1% to all damage). at least i wont have to regret rolling my other classes under other races.

the goblin racials suck even more. 1% permanent attack/casting speed is the only sweet thing they have. the others are very meh.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:56:16 GMT

Do you want to date my avatar?

Do You Wanna Date My Avatar
Felicia Day

Hang with me in my MMO
So many places we can go
You’ll never see my actual face
Our love, our love will be in a virtual space

I’m craving to emote with you
So many animations I can do
Be anything you want me to be
Come on, come on, share a potion with me

CHORUS:
Do you wanna date my Avatar
She’s a star
And she’s hotter than reality by far
Wanna date my Avatar?

You can type commands
I’ve got slots for what I hold in my hands
Don’t care what’s in your character bank
How ‘bout, How ‘bout a little tank and spank

Grab your mouse and stroke the keys
In cyberspace there’s no disease
Pick a time, send a tell to me
Just pay, just pay a small subscription fee

CHORUS

Single white human,
Looking for group
My stats so high
Don’t be out of the loop

Got an uber-leet staff
That you can equip
Close your mouths ladies
This is pure nerd-nip

I’m a pixel-based fantasy
A man who is stoic
I hack and slash
Who the heck’s more heroic?

Check me out:
Cloth armor
Fits me like a glove
Just twitta a time
And I’m ready for love

Hang with me in my MMO
So many places we can go
I’m better than a real world quest
You’ll touch, my plus 5 to dexterity vest

What role do you wanna play
I’m just a click away night or day
And if you think I’m not the one
Log off, Log off and we’ll be done

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 01:37:26 GMT

news recently came out that sam raimi (director of spiderman 3 and drag me to hell) is going to direct the warcraft movie [wowinsider article here/blizzard official statement here].

after the suckfest that was drag me to hell and the blah-ness that was spiderman, this is really really disappointing news. uggh.

this is even worse than the news that m. night shyamalan will be directing the avatar movie. i, at least, really liked the village and that movie where the plants did something that made people kill themselves. that was kewl.

----

haaay... sad. sad. sad.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:41:19 GMT

i just read an npc conversation that's going to happen in thunderbluff come 3.2. apparently, according to the wow.com article, this has sparked a lot of interest in the lore-loving community.

you can find the link to the article here.

more fascinating for me, though, is the documented distinction between shamans and druids. both of them are attuned to nature and act as some form of guardian but a lot of people do not understand the separate roles (in terms of lore) that they play.

this distinction can be found clearly in the NPC conversation.

shamans are guide and mentors to elemental spirits, while druids are the guardians and preservers of nature.

anyway... just geeking out. back to work now hehe.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 07:14:02 GMT

i stumbled on this amazing song... *flabbergasted*

Lonely Starship

You always insist on going to the edge
But it just keeps on getting farther
You're flyin past the black holes and supernovas, faraway explosions
You're landing on the surface
Look, you've found something new
Oh you're getting closer to me now, closer to me now

Lonely starship where you goin tonight
It's getting late and I think its time to head on home
Lonely starship I'm unexplainable
Uncontainable, infintely beautiful
Lonely starship the answers waiting for you
For you, for you so come on home.tonight

You tend to resist, the simple explanations
But you haven't got the time to fight
You're sailing through the darkness in search of answers, false interpretations
Gather all your newfound questions
Look, you've found something new
Oh you're getting close to me now, closer to me now

You're runnin out of starlight, running our of fuel
You know you've gotta come home
It's everything you wanted everything you needed
So baby won't you come on home

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 09:32:29 GMT

hello all: i got my phone back. no change of numbers.

if you deleted my number before and want to know it again send me a ym message / facebook message / livejournal message / friendster message. thanks! :)

Wed, 27 May 2009 17:57:06 GMT

...and not more than a few minutes pass by when i suddenly have the strangest YM conversation ever

sanguinesalmon: You seem to be leaking coolant at an alarming rate.
Imman: huh?
sanguinesalmon: idk
sanguinesalmon: hi
Imman: ermm
sanguinesalmon: what it said up there
sanguinesalmon: I didn't say it
Imman: hello.
sanguinesalmon: Hi
Imman: who are you?
sanguinesalmon: I was just about to ask the same thing
Imman: sanguinesalmon: You seem to be leaking coolant at an alarming rate.
Imman: huh?
sanguinesalmon: idk
sanguinesalmon: hi
sanguinesalmon: I'm Derek
sanguinesalmon: Hi
Imman: hello derek. im imman. how did you get my ym id?
sanguinesalmon: ObnoxiousCoho: Dicks are isomorphic to the Olympics, but of course this is idiotic.
sanguinesalmon: You randomly IM'd me with that
sanguinesalmon: lol
sanguinesalmon: Obviousuly that isnt your SN
Imman: really?
Imman: yeah... thats not my IM
sanguinesalmon: lol
Imman: you're from which part of the world?
sanguinesalmon: and whatever SN I'm IMing you with
sanguinesalmon: isn't my SN either
sanguinesalmon: The US
sanguinesalmon: and yourself?
Imman: it's sanguinesalmon
Imman: im from the philippines. waaaay across the globe.
sanguinesalmon: Oh awesome
sanguinesalmon: My gf was born there
sanguinesalmon: lol
Imman: really? kewl haha
Imman: where in the US are you? california?
Imman: im just taking a wild guess here.
sanguinesalmon: Yes actually
Imman: okay that's really weird
Imman: are we infected with some kind of ym virus or something?
sanguinesalmon: Nahhh
Imman: hmm
Imman: so what is this? >.<
sanguinesalmon: I forgot how this works
sanguinesalmon: It happens to me all the time
Imman: and sanguinesalmon isnt your ym id i assume?
sanguinesalmon: nope
Imman: sanguinesalmon: I forgot how this works
sanguinesalmon: It happens to me all the time --- really? it's the first time it has happened to me
Imman: gawd. this is like party line except on ym. lol
sanguinesalmon: it isnt
sanguinesalmon: wait
sanguinesalmon: you are on yahoo messenger right now?
Imman: yup
sanguinesalmon: oh wow
Imman: why?
sanguinesalmon: I'm on AIM
Imman: WTF!!
Imman: are you serious??
sanguinesalmon: lol yeah
Imman: omg.
Imman: i have no idea how this is happening. AIM isnt even suppose to talk with YM.
sanguinesalmon: yeahhhhhhhhhhh
sanguinesalmon: who knows?
Imman: this is like IM twilight zone
sanguinesalmon: lawl
Imman: anyway i was just about to head to bed. it's 2am here and i just lost my cellphone (sux! left it on the cab on the way home )
sanguinesalmon: aww that sucks!
sanguinesalmon: well uhh
sanguinesalmon: take care
sanguinesalmon: and stuff
Imman: yeah... weirdest IM conversation ever but not unpleasant
sanguinesalmon: its just random
Imman: nice to meet you derek. harhar
Imman: btw im on facebook lolz
sanguinesalmon: ehh if you wanna add me on facebook
sanguinesalmon: go ahead
sanguinesalmon: uhhh
sanguinesalmon: mailto:********@gmail.com is mah email
Imman: kewl. mine's *********@yahoo.com
Imman: this is really weird lol

Wed, 27 May 2009 17:42:07 GMT

i just lost my phone.

Tue, 26 May 2009 18:18:10 GMT

May 10, 2009 - on board flight 5J906 from Caticlan to Manila...

1. "Wag ka mag posing, video yan!" - Andy takes a video of the propeller while Ferdz tackles the task of answering the customer satisfaction form with dead seriousness. Sino ang takot sa mga pores? Lol.

2. Nasan ang Romblon? - More propeller footage while Ferdz discusses Philippine geography with a not-quite-so-convinced Jerome rikitikitik. This goes on for about 15 to 20 minutes more after the video has ended with Romblon sighting still unconfirmed.

3. Bye!

Thanks to Andy exodia13 for uploading this on Youtube! :D

Mon, 18 May 2009 10:56:11 GMT

the penitent kneels
on stone, shattered
crumbling under weight
of sins real and forgotten
blood dripping from lips
drip on the cross of wooden
beads intertwined with fingers
of flesh, and dirt; clawing at
the unshakeable earth.
torn, tattered flapping dust
in the mourning wind
a trickle, a drop of salt
traversing barren skin
clearing a path
this herald of tears
this prophet of despair
this, and then, a piercing wail
cuts a swathe through
the silence of insanity
the last plea for salvation
before heaven's gates
have closed, leaving behind
the fallen.

the monument of bones
have been picked clean
by vultures;
yet
this remains - the wooden cross
of faith misplaced,
hidden beneath
the endless sands of regret.

Fri, 08 May 2009 17:51:39 GMT

i watched it unfurl from my lips as it broke free from the air i exhaled. it teetered for a moment, frozen for a split second as spirals and curls that bent at odd, yet graceful angles, slowly emerged from chaos.

i am killing myself, and probably contributing to the impending death of nature, and subsequently, the world as we know it. for some reason, that thought made me smile.

the smoke convulsed for a moment, then rose a few inches from my eyes, before blooming into countless particles that lost form as it lost itself in the wind.

for an instant, i wanted to be the smoke. i wish i could disappear from reality as the smoke had disappeared from sight, drift into nothingness - unconscious, uncaring.

---

the full moon gently illuminated the waves the were coming in from the sea. we were walking beside the beach. i was halfway through the pack of cigarettes that i was voraciously consuming one stick at a time.

i hate the aftertaste of smoke. i have always imagined it as what my mouth would taste if a rat climbed into it, died, and rotted.

i am killing this beautiful place, i thought, as i threw another burnt-out cigarette butt on the shore. the thought made me sad, so i killed the sadness with regret, and buried regret under another layer of sadness.

i built the most majestic sandcastle of despair in my mind as the waves washed the marks my slippers had made in the sand.

---

true beauty is in the inside. i want to spit in the face of the person who first said that, then cut him up in pieces and feed his remains to the dogs.

Thu, 07 May 2009 14:57:52 GMT

i want my own personal jet.

because...

i have fallen in love with flying.

---

1:30am - my room

bangag pa coming home from my yesterday's shift that lasted until 1am this morning when i packed my things. i couldn't find the shit that i wanted so inatake ako ng pagka obsessive compulsive out of the blue. at 2am in the morning, i was going through every single piece of clothing in my wardrobe and throwing out stuff that i wouldn't wear anymore (e.g. clothes from more than 15 years ago na buhay pa at naburol na sa ilalim ng closet) and re-arranging/re-classifying everything. clothes i wouldn't be caught dead wearing in one pile, clothes na pambahay in another, and clothes that were pwede pa in another.

surprisingly (or maybe not), 50% of my clothes went into the first pile, 35% went into the pambahay pile, and the remaining clothes were stacked neatly into my "still wearable" pile.

i now have a surplus of pambahays. like 20+ shirts. omfg.

---

7:30am - naia terminal 3.

wow. nice. to sum the NAIA experience in two of the gayest words ever sputtered: IN FAIRNESS. parang wala ako sa pilipinas kasi ang linis and ang orderly ng mga lines and bayaran and stuff.

today is a day of many firsts, and it was my first time ever in an airport. our flight got delayed by 20 minutes. ang putanginang bigat ng bag ko because i brought my laptop with me.

---

10:10am - boarding

first time in a plane. the first thing that crossed my mind was "it's smaller than a bus..." hehe.

our plane was one of those 40/50-seater planes of cebu pacific that had propellers on their wings. it's not a boeing but it's a pretty decent plane. i exchanged seats with jerome [rikitikitik] so i could have the window seat.

you know how it is when you've waited and anticipated something for your whole life? that was how it was for me as the plane slowly ambled towards the strip where it would take off. i was surprisingly calm, although i was really excited, and a little bit scared. a little bit lang naman. mga 2.45%. hehe.

so how do i describe my first plane experience?

IT WAS F***ING AWESOME. BEYOND AWESOME. parang i want to always be on a plane.

i can't describe how fantastic it feels as the plane accelerates on the runway... and then the moment the plane launches itself from the ground and into the air... yung point where your brain registers that no part of you or anything you're touching is touching the earth... pucha. parang gusto ko maiyak sa tuwa. it was so amazing.

parang there's this rush na "omg! omg! im actually not on earth anymore!" and you can feel the engine of the plane reverberating beneath your feet and just the sheer power and precision involved in making a thing made out of metal soar through the sky. grabe. that was the point that i was just awed at humankind. parang "omg... we are evolved beings after all!" sort of epiphany.

it's just amazing. my mind is short-circuiting and can't come up with better adjectives but it really really was. i loved the hum of the engine planes, the idea that i had no choice but to trust the pilot and human technology with my life since there was nothing i can ever do to save myself from so many miles above the ground. it's just so... freeing. it's nothing but you, and this big hunk of metal in the sky.

we eventually ascended to the point where we were higher than the clouds. they looked like smoke frozen in time as they hung suspended below us. and there were endless fields of them. and even though they were storm clouds, they were so just breath-takingly beautiful. i have always been fascinated by cloud formation and they look nice from the ground, but it's a different thing altogether when you're looking down on them and you can't see the earth anymore and you just see this vast empty space with nothing above or below you but clouds.

to add icing to the cake, our pilot was french (according to jerome). we never saw how he looked like but he had this smexy accent when he spoke over the intercom na nakaka-mush lol.

i slept like 20 minutes into the flight and then parang saglit lang yung lumipas when the stewardess called out that the plane was about to land in caticlan. the landing was a bit rough for my taste. the take-off was really smooth and elegant and graceful, as opposed to the landing which was like forcing a football player into leotards - awkward, painful to watch and downright ugly.

the airport in caticlan is so 3rd world. taking off from naia you feel like "omg, para akong nasa ibang bansa" and then landing in caticlan is like being slapped in the face - "ambishoso ka nasa pilipinas ka pa rin, ulul."

like seriously. we almost ran out of runway before the plane veered off to one side and came to a halt.

buti na lang panalo yung resort kung san kami binook ni andy. they had people waiting for us that took care of my sobrang bigat na bagahe during the short bus ride to the shore leaving caticlan, and then the ferry across to boracay island, and finally to the resort. walang ka-effort-effort. galing :)

---

12:30pm-ish - resort room with jerome

so guess what the first thing jerome and i did upon entering our room...

like the dorks that we are (ay si jerome lang pala! lol), we took out our laptops and checked the wifi connection. again, ang galing. the wifi signal is weak but the connection is pretty stable. jerome was able to do a little bit of wow, and i spent half an hour chatting with people on YM. parang zomg technology moment!

---

2pm - boracay beach at last

andy finally managed to drag us out of our room to explore the beach.

to be honest, the only thing i looked forward to during this trip was the first airplane ride of my life. i always thought boracay is just one of those over-hyped places na people just keep talking about for the sheer yabang factor na "been there, done that" level, or "i'm so reeech para lang ako nangangapitbahay when i go to bora" level - which is annoying.

coming down from our rooms and finally stepping into the beach, it took a few seconds for me to register that something was wrong.

you see, all my life, experience have taught me that sand clings to your slippers, and your feet, and anything it could possibly cling to. and it's icky. and color brown-ish to black.

stepping into the beach, parang napahinto ako ng sandali at naisip ko "hold on... wait... parang may mali sa beach na to."

for some reason, the sand didn't feel like any sand in any of the beaches i've been to before... and then i noticed how aburdly white the sand was. parang semento.

ang unang bulalas namin pareho ni jerome (it's his first time in bora too) was "bakit ganun? parang fake yung sand." parang mashadong malinis at maputi.

and that was nothing compared to when we actually got to the shore where the waves were rolling in gently from the sea. i was like "omg... totoo ba to? parang in-adobe photoshop lang yung beach" because the water was so clear and the beach was so beautiful (although ang daming tao which is eww).

so this documents my first encounter with the famous white sand beaches of boracay. kala ko joke joke lang dati when people say how nice boracay is. it's not nice - it's absurdly beautiful. and the sand is flabbergasting. parang hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako makapaniwala how white and how fine the sand is.

---

8pm - d'mall

so there's this area here in boracay which i think is called "d'mall" but it's not actually a mall. not even close. it's a long winding strip of tiangges and stalls and restaurants that eventually connects into another strip of restaurants that line the beachfront.

it rained a little bit and we had dinner which was decent at this place that looked like a fastfood place but the food was actually more than okay. since i had packed just the bare essentials, i was itching to buy clothes that i could sleep in or use at the beach.

for a thousand bucks, i was able to buy 4 white shirts (and of course they all had boracay printed on them) which are so nice and snug and comfortable and makes me look smexy (i think) and 3 really nice board shorts - something which i can never do in manila on that amount.

and i just have to say this - it's ironic but the shirts are the perfect size for me! i can NEVER ever find a perfectly sized shirt in manila... kahit sang sulok pa ako ng manila magpunta. nakakainis nga eh puro boracay-print lang lahat ng shirts that they sell (although there was one shirt that had a coke vs pepsi print on it - i had to buy it! hehe).

and yes, zomg. EYE CANDY. pucha. may nakasabay pa kami ni andy habang bumibili kami ng bottled water parang na-stroke ng onti yung utak ko at totally heart-stopping moment because sa harap namin may isang sobrang cute na guy. haha. and the foreigners here... omg. so fuckin haaaawttt!!! aaargh.

anyway, that's that for my first day in boracay. i'm going to play atlantica online (awesome free to play mmorpg with a twist - battles are turn based like in final fantasy and i might blog about it some other time because it deserves its own post altogether) for a few minutes then pag inantok na i'm heading to bed.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:13:01 GMT

today was the first day i had a really good long sleep in a while.

i woke up refreshed. then i spent the next 45 minutes lying in bed huddled under the blankets fantasizing about the different ways it could end. i don't know why i feel so at peace and excited whenever i think about how dead i will be. it's like dreaming of escape. beautiful sweet escape from this hell.

---

today's preferred method is by handgun. through the mouth.

today's low point: having dave say "ampanget mo" to me in ym after he insisted that i webcam with him to show him how i look like wearing office attire prior to leaving the house. dave... who was the one person i liked who i thought remotely liked me back kahit papano, even if it was just a stupid illusion i created for myself. well that illusion has shattered now.

this was followed shortly by another person telling me over ym a few hours later that he wants to slit my perinium para magkaron na raw ako ng vagina. i stil feel like vomitting after reading that. and then stabbing myself. repeatedly.

okay i change my mind about what i said earlier. today's preferred method is by stabbing. violently. up to the point i lose consciousness because of blood loss.

maybe it's time to stop talking to people on ym.

...or maybe stop talking to people in general.

i want to run away from all of this. i think i'm going crazy for wanting to become insane so i wouldn't have to deal with this shit.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:11:54 GMT

meet ron, the ex of the ex:

Ron: wow
Ron: may charice toolbar na pala
Ron: lol
Imman: anong charice toolbar?
Imman: di ko gets
Ron: charice pempenco na toolbar
Ron: lol
Ron: to keep you updated with all her events
Ron: wow
Ron: now my life can be complete
Ron: with just simple clicks
Imman: that. is. so. sad.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:34:54 GMT

i dont know why it suddenly matters so much, when your answer to my question: "if i was the last person on earth and you were stuck with me for eternity, can you fathom having s** with me?" - which was asked in jest - came back so swiftly, unpadded with disclaimers, without hesitation, and punctuated with finality.

it's true what they say. people who believe in the saying "true beauty is in the inside," are the fugly ones.

i can tell you in a hundred different ways how much of a lie that is in the real world.

i was not prepared with how much those two letters could hurt. i am still reeling from the blow. i really should stop asking questions with answers im not prepared to handle.

at this point, i don't know what hurts more... being rejected, or being slapped in the face with the reminder of how physically repulsive i am.

---

i've become so used to thinking about death it has become an inside joke between me and myself. yesterday it was jumping from the 35th floor of our office building. today, it's hanging. i wonder what major disappointment tomorrow will bring, and the succeeding method by which i will desire to terminate this stupid existence.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 22:41:26 GMT

in this second, there are a hundred moments
each moment a lifetime
of waiting for sunset, and night, and the new day

the world is turning too slow; i see
every drop falling
from your eyes

every word you say
the movement of your mouth, the curve of your lips
and the invisible vibration of air
as it kisses my skin

you only see: what separates us
are the millions of miles i have to travel
when every step i take is a question of sanity
and every inch closer is the answer
that you never asked

but you are still
walking away from me

and here i am, trapped, helpless
in this instant, in this perfect bliss
of you, and me, and eternity

and when the seconds
are thawed out by the coming of sun
there is nothing left
but the memories
distilled in the scent
left behind by your cologne

i have subdued time, and bent space
trying to make this last. forever.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:00:37 GMT

im sitting in my usual chair at the office... and i am afraid that i am about to do something extremely embarassing.

i am about to cry. out of the blue. in the middle of the goddamn fucking office floor. at 4:58AM.

i want to jump out of the window.

and disappear.

i want to escape from this life.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:10:41 GMT

purple electricity crawled and crackled across his hands, snaking halfway up his arms . he grinned at me, delirious ecstasy in his eyes.

"i'm doing it, brian... im doing it!" he laughed. "good, don't get over-excited. you have to focus." i tried to control my enthusiasm, but i was sure he saw i was as excited as he was.

i pointed to a burnt spot in the ground a few feet away from us, "we can do it there."

"ready when you are," he nodded eagerly.

"eromos silan," i muttered softly, as i summoned the latent energy of the wind around us. white motes of light erupted from the ground, swaying to some invisible force as it slowly rose upward.

"that should provide us enough protection. your turn," i signaled him.

he closed his eyes, and raised his arms wide, a smile plastered to his face. the electricity that was emanating from his palms convulsed and convoluted chaotically, leaping from his outstretched fingers to the ground. "mieros eturnae... varden ogarah shemarus..."

the shield i had summoned was barely holding.

"there is no turning back. are you sure about this?" i asked one last time, although i already knew what his answer would be.

"yes, i am sure. now just go... do it!" he commanded me.

i approached him, and lightly touched his forehead. "there is no turning back," i say in my mind, one more time.

"i know brian. thank you for this doing for me," he replied through our shared conscious state.

i could see him in my mind's eye. he was lying on my bed, crying with happiness. he was holding my hand. yes, this was what he wanted.

"computer, initiate genii merge."

COMMAND ACCEPTED. MERGE INITIATED.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 23:35:42 GMT

posting from work:

- i am getting antsy because the SQL delete statement i am running has been running for 25 minutes already. it should not be taking this long. i fear i might have destroyed production data. ohnoes. critical tickets *cry*

- i'm excited to go home and figure out how to set up an ssh tunnel between my laptop connected to the office network and my pc at home. i want to be able to check on my rohan online bot from the office. lol.

- you never completely know a person. sometimes you think you do, and then 3 years later you realize he's been lying about a certain character trait/attribute regardless of whether he meant to or not, and you're just flabbergasted at the deception.

- my defenses are currently up. but i'm still lonely. i hope i can bounce from this sooner, if i ever will.

- hinawaan ako ni arts ng ubo. sabi nya sakin kanina sa ym, "pano ka nahawa di naman kita hinalikan?"; sabi ko sa kanya "sana nga hinalikan mo na lang ako para sulit tong ubo."; natawa lang si gago. tapos nag emo-emo na bakit daw yung gusto nya hindi nya nakukuha. hay nako. tangena. sabi ko sa kanya ganyan na talaga ang trend, na ako nga nasa ganung posisyon din. tinanong nya ako kung sino daw yung gusto ko na di ko makuha. parang gago. di nya alam sya yun. the cosmic irony of life nga naman.