dear lord,

it has been many years since i last called your name. many years since i last knelt and cried and clasped my hands together in prayer. i don't even know if you can hear me now. my mom once told me that one can reach a point where one strays too far you won't even hear his prayers anymore, and i am just banking on the fact that my parents' religion was made by idiots and that you can still hear me.

i know i am going to hell, not only for the sins i have committed, but for the one i will commit. it will happen, sooner or later. i just want you to know straight from me, even though i know you know already, that i did try my best given the circumstances. i am not afraid of death anymore. i am not afraid of going to hell for my sins, or burning in eternal damnation. i have nothing to fear anymore, because i am resigned to my fate. you cannot fear what you already know, and i already know where i'm going. all that is left is to accept.

they say the ones who take their own lives are those who have lost hope. i am hanging by mere strands. i cannot do this anymore, lord. i am operating on autopilot. just existing. just living for the sake of living. i go to work, i do what what they tell me to do, i go home, i lie on my bed, and i cry myself to sleep. this is my life. this is my damned life.

today, i realized that i have been running away from the awful truth. the awful truth that this is it. this is how far it will go. my time is running out, and there's nothing left. there is no hope. i am broken, and shattered. i am a freak, a creep, and a monster. i never belonged here. i have been running, hiding, creating illusions for myself, manufacturing hope against logic, because you gave me this damnable animal instinct to try and preserve myself. i was fighting the awful truth, hoping that i could be happy someday. truly happy. but i realized today, that there is no way for this to happen. only a miracle can change this.

but how many times have i cried to you before, lord. how many times have i knelt on my bed, when i was younger, and i still believed you could change my life, or change me. every tear has been met by silence. how many times have i begged for a miracle in my life...

it is true. i have denied you in front of others. denied your existence. denied you in my life. because i never felt you were there in the first place. you are the silent observer of my pain, as i have been nothing but an observer of this world. invisible to you. invisble to everyone else. but i can never hate you. as much as i want to. know that i can never hate you.

i just need you to understand, at the very least. if there are some things you can never forgive, if there are some rules that have been broken that i can never be saved from, then i implore understanding, that is all. my time is running out, and i will go soon. maybe it will not be my decision. you can always terminate me earlier, but then that would just be convenient for me. i do not mean to be ingrateful. i would like to believe that i have lived my life to the fullest, save for one thing - the most important thing any person would want to experience in life: to be loved. truly. unconditionally. just like the poets write about, and the songs sing about.

i have been fighting for so long, but i am tired. i wanted to believe there was someone out there for me. that i had a shot at what other people have. happiness. now i see how this is never going to happen. that i have just been lying to myself. my self preservation mechanism. brilliant, and idiotic at the same time.

they say the fires of hell wiill be so intense, the screams of despair unbearable. they say maggots will crawl out of my eyes and nose and mouth and every open cavity of my body. they say it's an eternity of fear and suffering. but you know what will hurt the most? it's not the horrors of hell. it will be the knowledge that i have been denied a chance at happiness, a chance at being normal.

dear lord, i hope you know what i am, who i am, and the ragged semblance of life that i lived when you banish me to hell.

you see - when i put that gun to my head someday, when i swallow that pill, when i tie that rope around my neck, when i jump in front of that bus, when i run out of breath under the water - i just want to know that you know exactly why i have done it. just so it is clear between us.