Imman

i just read an npc conversation that's going to happen in thunderbluff come 3.2. apparently, according to the wow.com article, this has sparked a lot of interest in the lore-loving community.

you can find the link to the article here.

more fascinating for me, though, is the documented distinction between shamans and druids. both of them are attuned to nature and act as some form of guardian but a lot of people do not understand the separate roles (in terms of lore) that they play.

this distinction can be found clearly in the NPC conversation.

shamans are guide and mentors to elemental spirits, while druids are the guardians and preservers of nature.

anyway... just geeking out. back to work now hehe.

i stumbled on this amazing song... *flabbergasted*



( lyrics )

hello all: i got my phone back. no change of numbers.

if you deleted my number before and want to know it again send me a ym message / facebook message / livejournal message / friendster message. thanks! :)

...and not more than a few minutes pass by when i suddenly have the strangest YM conversation ever

( Read more... )

i just lost my phone.

May 10, 2009 - on board flight 5J906 from Caticlan to Manila...

1. "Wag ka mag posing, video yan!" - Andy takes a video of the propeller while Ferdz tackles the task of answering the customer satisfaction form with dead seriousness. Sino ang takot sa mga pores? Lol.





2. Nasan ang Romblon? - More propeller footage while Ferdz discusses Philippine geography with a not-quite-so-convinced Jerome rikitikitik. This goes on for about 15 to 20 minutes more after the video has ended with Romblon sighting still unconfirmed.





3. Bye!




Thanks to Andy exodia13 for uploading this on Youtube! :D

the penitent kneels
on stone, shattered
crumbling under weight
of sins real and forgotten
blood dripping from lips
drip on the cross of wooden
beads intertwined with fingers
of flesh, and dirt; clawing at
the unshakeable earth.
torn, tattered flapping dust
in the mourning wind
a trickle, a drop of salt
traversing barren skin
clearing a path
this herald of tears
this prophet of despair
this, and then, a piercing wail
cuts a swathe through
the silence of insanity
the last plea for salvation
before heaven's gates
have closed, leaving behind
the fallen.

the monument of bones
have been picked clean
by vultures;
yet
this remains - the wooden cross
of faith misplaced,
hidden beneath
the endless sands of regret.

( . )

i want my own personal jet.

because...

i have fallen in love with flying.

---

1:30am - my room

bangag pa coming home from my yesterday's shift that lasted until 1am this morning when i packed my things. i couldn't find the shit that i wanted so inatake ako ng pagka obsessive compulsive out of the blue. at 2am in the morning, i was going through every single piece of clothing in my wardrobe and throwing out stuff that i wouldn't wear anymore (e.g. clothes from more than 15 years ago na buhay pa at naburol na sa ilalim ng closet) and re-arranging/re-classifying everything. clothes i wouldn't be caught dead wearing in one pile, clothes na pambahay in another, and clothes that were pwede pa in another.

surprisingly (or maybe not), 50% of my clothes went into the first pile, 35% went into the pambahay pile, and the remaining clothes were stacked neatly into my "still wearable" pile.

i now have a surplus of pambahays. like 20+ shirts. omfg.

---

7:30am - naia terminal 3.

wow. nice. to sum the NAIA experience in two of the gayest words ever sputtered: IN FAIRNESS. parang wala ako sa pilipinas kasi ang linis and ang orderly ng mga lines and bayaran and stuff.

today is a day of many firsts, and it was my first time ever in an airport. our flight got delayed by 20 minutes. ang putanginang bigat ng bag ko because i brought my laptop with me.

---

10:10am - boarding

first time in a plane. the first thing that crossed my mind was "it's smaller than a bus..." hehe.

our plane was one of those 40/50-seater planes of cebu pacific that had propellers on their wings. it's not a boeing but it's a pretty decent plane. i exchanged seats with jerome [rikitikitik] so i could have the window seat.




you know how it is when you've waited and anticipated something for your whole life? that was how it was for me as the plane slowly ambled towards the strip where it would take off. i was surprisingly calm, although i was really excited, and a little bit scared. a little bit lang naman. mga 2.45%. hehe.

so how do i describe my first plane experience?

IT WAS F***ING AWESOME. BEYOND AWESOME. parang i want to always be on a plane.

i can't describe how fantastic it feels as the plane accelerates on the runway... and then the moment the plane launches itself from the ground and into the air... yung point where your brain registers that no part of you or anything you're touching is touching the earth... pucha. parang gusto ko maiyak sa tuwa. it was so amazing.

parang there's this rush na "omg! omg! im actually not on earth anymore!" and you can feel the engine of the plane reverberating beneath your feet and just the sheer power and precision involved in making a thing made out of metal soar through the sky. grabe. that was the point that i was just awed at humankind. parang "omg... we are evolved beings after all!" sort of epiphany.

it's just amazing. my mind is short-circuiting and can't come up with better adjectives but it really really was. i loved the hum of the engine planes, the idea that i had no choice but to trust the pilot and human technology with my life since there was nothing i can ever do to save myself from so many miles above the ground. it's just so... freeing. it's nothing but you, and this big hunk of metal in the sky.

we eventually ascended to the point where we were higher than the clouds. they looked like smoke frozen in time as they hung suspended below us. and there were endless fields of them. and even though they were storm clouds, they were so just breath-takingly beautiful. i have always been fascinated by cloud formation and they look nice from the ground, but it's a different thing altogether when you're looking down on them and you can't see the earth anymore and you just see this vast empty space with nothing above or below you but clouds.

to add icing to the cake, our pilot was french (according to jerome). we never saw how he looked like but he had this smexy accent when he spoke over the intercom na nakaka-mush lol.

i slept like 20 minutes into the flight and then parang saglit lang yung lumipas when the stewardess called out that the plane was about to land in caticlan. the landing was a bit rough for my taste. the take-off was really smooth and elegant and graceful, as opposed to the landing which was like forcing a football player into leotards - awkward, painful to watch and downright ugly.

the airport in caticlan is so 3rd world. taking off from naia you feel like "omg, para akong nasa ibang bansa" and then landing in caticlan is like being slapped in the face - "ambishoso ka nasa pilipinas ka pa rin, ulul."

like seriously. we almost ran out of runway before the plane veered off to one side and came to a halt.

buti na lang panalo yung resort kung san kami binook ni andy. they had people waiting for us that took care of my sobrang bigat na bagahe during the short bus ride to the shore leaving caticlan, and then the ferry across to boracay island, and finally to the resort. walang ka-effort-effort. galing :)

---

12:30pm-ish - resort room with jerome

so guess what the first thing jerome and i did upon entering our room...

like the dorks that we are (ay si jerome lang pala! lol), we took out our laptops and checked the wifi connection. again, ang galing. the wifi signal is weak but the connection is pretty stable. jerome was able to do a little bit of wow, and i spent half an hour chatting with people on YM. parang zomg technology moment!

---

2pm - boracay beach at last

andy finally managed to drag us out of our room to explore the beach.

to be honest, the only thing i looked forward to during this trip was the first airplane ride of my life. i always thought boracay is just one of those over-hyped places na people just keep talking about for the sheer yabang factor na "been there, done that" level, or "i'm so reeech para lang ako nangangapitbahay when i go to bora" level - which is annoying.

coming down from our rooms and finally stepping into the beach, it took a few seconds for me to register that something was wrong.

you see, all my life, experience have taught me that sand clings to your slippers, and your feet, and anything it could possibly cling to. and it's icky. and color brown-ish to black.

stepping into the beach, parang napahinto ako ng sandali at naisip ko "hold on... wait... parang may mali sa beach na to."

for some reason, the sand didn't feel like any sand in any of the beaches i've been to before... and then i noticed how aburdly white the sand was. parang semento.

ang unang bulalas namin pareho ni jerome (it's his first time in bora too) was "bakit ganun? parang fake yung sand." parang mashadong malinis at maputi.

and that was nothing compared to when we actually got to the shore where the waves were rolling in gently from the sea. i was like "omg... totoo ba to? parang in-adobe photoshop lang yung beach" because the water was so clear and the beach was so beautiful (although ang daming tao which is eww).

so this documents my first encounter with the famous white sand beaches of boracay. kala ko joke joke lang dati when people say how nice boracay is. it's not nice - it's absurdly beautiful. and the sand is flabbergasting. parang hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako makapaniwala how white and how fine the sand is.

---

8pm - d'mall

so there's this area here in boracay which i think is called "d'mall" but it's not actually a mall. not even close. it's a long winding strip of tiangges and stalls and restaurants that eventually connects into another strip of restaurants that line the beachfront.

it rained a little bit and we had dinner which was decent at this place that looked like a fastfood place but the food was actually more than okay. since i had packed just the bare essentials, i was itching to buy clothes that i could sleep in or use at the beach.

for a thousand bucks, i was able to buy 4 white shirts (and of course they all had boracay printed on them) which are so nice and snug and comfortable and makes me look smexy (i think) and 3 really nice board shorts - something which i can never do in manila on that amount.

and i just have to say this - it's ironic but the shirts are the perfect size for me! i can NEVER ever find a perfectly sized shirt in manila... kahit sang sulok pa ako ng manila magpunta. nakakainis nga eh puro boracay-print lang lahat ng shirts that they sell (although there was one shirt that had a coke vs pepsi print on it - i had to buy it! hehe).

and yes, zomg. EYE CANDY. pucha. may nakasabay pa kami ni andy habang bumibili kami ng bottled water parang na-stroke ng onti yung utak ko at totally heart-stopping moment because sa harap namin may isang sobrang cute na guy. haha. and the foreigners here... omg. so fuckin haaaawttt!!! aaargh.

anyway, that's that for my first day in boracay. i'm going to play atlantica online (awesome free to play mmorpg with a twist - battles are turn based like in final fantasy and i might blog about it some other time because it deserves its own post altogether) for a few minutes then pag inantok na i'm heading to bed.

( ... )

meet ron, the ex of the ex:

Ron: wow
Ron: may charice toolbar na pala
Ron: lol
Imman: anong charice toolbar?
Imman: di ko gets
Ron: charice pempenco na toolbar
Ron: lol
Ron: to keep you updated with all her events
Ron: wow
Ron: now my life can be complete
Ron: with just simple clicks
Imman: that. is. so. sad.

i dont know why it suddenly matters so much, when your answer to my question: "if i was the last person on earth and you were stuck with me for eternity, can you fathom having s** with me?" - which was asked in jest - came back so swiftly, unpadded with disclaimers, without hesitation, and punctuated with finality.

it's true what they say. people who believe in the saying "true beauty is in the inside," are the fugly ones.

i can tell you in a hundred different ways how much of a lie that is in the real world.



i was not prepared with how much those two letters could hurt. i am still reeling from the blow. i really should stop asking questions with answers im not prepared to handle.




at this point, i don't know what hurts more... being rejected, or being slapped in the face with the reminder of how physically repulsive i am.



---

i've become so used to thinking about death it has become an inside joke between me and myself. yesterday it was jumping from the 35th floor of our office building. today, it's hanging. i wonder what major disappointment tomorrow will bring, and the succeeding method by which i will desire to terminate this stupid existence.

in this second, there are a hundred moments
each moment a lifetime
of waiting for sunset, and night, and the new day

the world is turning too slow; i see
every drop falling
from your eyes

every word you say
the movement of your mouth, the curve of your lips
and the invisible vibration of air
as it kisses my skin

you only see: what separates us
are the millions of miles i have to travel
when every step i take is a question of sanity
and every inch closer is the answer
that you never asked

but you are still
walking away from me

and here i am, trapped, helpless
in this instant, in this perfect bliss
of you, and me, and eternity

and when the seconds
are thawed out by the coming of sun
there is nothing left
but the memories
distilled in the scent
left behind by your cologne

i have subdued time, and bent space
trying to make this last. forever.

im sitting in my usual chair at the office... and i am afraid that i am about to do something extremely embarassing.

i am about to cry. out of the blue. in the middle of the goddamn fucking office floor. at 4:58AM.

i want to jump out of the window.

and disappear.

i want to escape from this life.

purple electricity crawled and crackled across his hands, snaking halfway up his arms . he grinned at me, delirious ecstasy in his eyes.

"i'm doing it, brian... im doing it!" he laughed. "good, don't get over-excited. you have to focus." i tried to control my enthusiasm, but i was sure he saw i was as excited as he was.

i pointed to a burnt spot in the ground a few feet away from us, "we can do it there."

"ready when you are," he nodded eagerly.

"eromos silan," i muttered softly, as i summoned the latent energy of the wind around us. white motes of light erupted from the ground, swaying to some invisible force as it slowly rose upward.

"that should provide us enough protection. your turn," i signaled him.

he closed his eyes, and raised his arms wide, a smile plastered to his face. the electricity that was emanating from his palms convulsed and convoluted chaotically, leaping from his outstretched fingers to the ground. "mieros eturnae... varden ogarah shemarus..."

the shield i had summoned was barely holding.

"there is no turning back. are you sure about this?" i asked one last time, although i already knew what his answer would be.

"yes, i am sure. now just go... do it!" he commanded me.

i approached him, and lightly touched his forehead. "there is no turning back," i say in my mind, one more time.

"i know brian. thank you for this doing for me," he replied through our shared conscious state.



i could see him in my mind's eye. he was lying on my bed, crying with happiness. he was holding my hand. yes, this was what he wanted.



"computer, initiate genii merge."


COMMAND ACCEPTED. MERGE INITIATED.

posting from work:

- i am getting antsy because the SQL delete statement i am running has been running for 25 minutes already. it should not be taking this long. i fear i might have destroyed production data. ohnoes. critical tickets *cry*

- i'm excited to go home and figure out how to set up an ssh tunnel between my laptop connected to the office network and my pc at home. i want to be able to check on my rohan online bot from the office. lol.

- you never completely know a person. sometimes you think you do, and then 3 years later you realize he's been lying about a certain character trait/attribute regardless of whether he meant to or not, and you're just flabbergasted at the deception.

- my defenses are currently up. but i'm still lonely. i hope i can bounce from this sooner, if i ever will.

- hinawaan ako ni arts ng ubo. sabi nya sakin kanina sa ym, "pano ka nahawa di naman kita hinalikan?"; sabi ko sa kanya "sana nga hinalikan mo na lang ako para sulit tong ubo."; natawa lang si gago. tapos nag emo-emo na bakit daw yung gusto nya hindi nya nakukuha. hay nako. tangena. sabi ko sa kanya ganyan na talaga ang trend, na ako nga nasa ganung posisyon din. tinanong nya ako kung sino daw yung gusto ko na di ko makuha. parang gago. di nya alam sya yun. the cosmic irony of life nga naman.

( . )

i just stuck my head in the freezer and rubbed my hands over the ice crust that sprout on the freezer walls. it had been a very warm, humid day. it's 5:30 am, and my day is just winding down. bills amounting to five hundred and thirty pesos in front of me, the external hard drive i bought a few weeks ago, and the sun is just coming up in the sky. i can't see it, but i can see the dark sky turning into a concrete gray haze, as if storm is about to come, but it won't.

it's going to be another warm, humid day.



i broke down in front of ron, daryl's ex, today. well, not literally in front, but over ym. while he was at work. and i was in the middle of watching this quaint keri russell film called waitress. i paused in between scenes, and just poured my heart out.

why am i different, i asked him. why could i never get anyone i like to like me back. what is wrong with me, has been the recurring question since that fateful day 10 days ago when i went out with daryl, my ex, and pao, his friend, to that beer place near la salle.

that day was an eye opener. it had taken this long for the realization to bubble to the surface of my consciousness, but i have been asleep for the past 3 years. i had been grieving for so long, that i forgot how it was to not grieve. i escaped into that world of colorful pixels and pretend life that had given me a false sense of achievement, of direction, and of belonging.

i feel as though i have just woken up, and the sun is shining so brightly into my half-closed eyes that it's hurting me.

and boy, does it hurt.

i remember why i escaped in the first place - i built my own world, imprisoned myself in my own illusions of grandeur, where the world i live in and breathe in - this world - didn't matter. all that mattered was achieving some virtual goal in an alternate reality fueled by ones and zeroes.

now i am back, now i am awake again, and i know i can never return to that place. i can never return to the illusion, to the false sense of contentment, to being happy because i just won a roll for an epic item, or achieved max rank for my mining profession.

i had actually forgotten how it was to be depressed. i had been numb for so long.

and now, i remember.



some people have it easy. they walk into a room, and people swoon over them. others have a harder time, but they too eventually meet someone who sees through them and they live happily semi-ever after.

and then there's me, who can never figure out why. i keep looking at the mirror, observing every arch and curve of my face, trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

i still don't have the answer.

am i not good-looking enough? is the root of my eternal battle with my inferiority complex with the way i look. i know i'm not zac efron... i can't fucking turn heads, but unless everyone i asked was lying to my face, i know i'm not that repulsively ugly.

even then, i have been consistently passed over for people who, in my opinion, are not even as remotely physically "there" as i am. so what is it? am i invisible?



i don't think i'm stupid either. or boring to talk to. i make people laugh. they say i'm witty. they say they enjoy talking to me. but at the end of the day, i'm just another "kuya" figure in their life.

i'm tired of being a "friend". i'm tired of being the guy people talk to when they're in the middle of their relationship shit, and then promptly forget when they're all happy and gaying it up. i'm tired of being ignored on ym, or being given some lousy excuse 10 hours later why they couldn't even say hi back. i'm tired of being nobody in the lives of the people i want to be somebody in.

i'm tired of trying, and pretending not to try because i've been told that i might be trying too hard. i'm tired of alternately trying to impress you, and then being myself when the one or the other didn't work.

all i want you to say is, "sure, i want to hang out with you on sunday. let's watch movies, and eat pizza." that's it! how fucking hard is that? i don't even need to be someone you think you can fall in love with.

i can't even get a fucking date - no, scratch that - a fucking "let's hang out and chill" time with you. you babble on about some random guy you saw on facebook, or some idiotic jerkwad you saw on the street who you think will make you happy, and you gush on and on about him while i have to listen and suffer in silence because you know that i more than like you but you just don't care enough. then, after you're done talking, the idiot that i am tries to offer words of help and advice on how you can get over your nerves and actually start talking to said random stranger. just how sad is that. how sad, and pathetic. i don't understand why this is happening to me. why it has to be me this, all the fucking time.



i don't get this reality. i really, really, really don't. i've been a good person. a really nice guy. i've been there when people needed me, even when they weren't there for me when i needed them. i figure that by now, i would have enough good karma to actually deserve a break from this shitty life, and meet someone nice who will totally adore the awesomeness of me.

but no.



...and i'm just really, really, really tired.

( ... )

when do you know when to stop?

i arrived home today a few minutes before 6am, just as the sun was breaking over the horizon. the first thing i did was to look in the mirror.

what is wrong with me? i asked myself. i kept staring. and staring. i want to see what they see. i want to see what's wrong with me.

it's been one week. today is count no 6.

all i want to be, was to be friends with them (well at least 5 of them). and even that was something they couldn't find in themselves to give to me. it was bad enough when i was getting rejected by people i had romantic interest in. to be rejected by people who i just want to hang out with and be friends with? that's really... just like... pit bottom.



this was a failed initiative. maybe i should just accept defeat, accept the fact that im repulsive to people for reasons still unknown, and just continue living my miserable existence.

this last one just hurt a lot.